I Dunno, Just a Thought vol. 12

NP: Air - Playground Love

this is in lieu of smothering myself right now... or swallowing an inordinate amount of brightly colored meds.

i've got that heavy feeling again. you can feel tears well up and around your eyes, but that "fucking men" thing in your brain keeps them from dropping, from leaving thin salt traces down your face. so you put a sad-sounding song on repeat and hope the melodies will overtake the atmosphere and you'll float with the contentment of a soul whose host was restless and miserable for far to long.

i don't like to think that i ask for much...but asking for much may be the problem. i should expect nothing. fall into a jaded nonchalance and do nothing but work a boring job and have bad sex with bad people. forget writing and music and being creative cause it will never get you anywhere and the only real signs of maturity are in crippling banality and vague morals.

i'm writing, but i'm not feeling any better. if you are reading this...make me feel better. you win. i'm sick of being miserable. i'm sick of my "intense" personality. no one wants that anymore. it's never been a pose, but maybe i need a pose.

i dunno, just a thought.