Wednesday, June 29, 2011

We are the Sprocket Holes vol. 192

Transformers: Bark of the Moon - intellectual apocalypse/lingerie commericals

First, they fought their enemy. Then, they fought their adversary. Now, they face their greatest challenge; a villain.

once again, Imaginary Robot Army one fights Imaginary robot army two in the conclusion to Michael Bay's (Used Trojan) Magnum Opus; TRANSFORMERS. Shia LaQuiff returns with a different hot girlfriend, the same annoying parents, and other aggressive obnoxious caricatures that exist only in the minds of the most hateful of teenage child-boy.

Oh, and there's robots too.

This time, we learn that the moon is filled with Decepticons, and they've decided to break free (even though i don't think they were held captive, but whatever) and construct a robot bridge that will connect Earth to Cyberton, allowing them the turn earth into a more giant robot friendly place to live. how is this different to the plot of the first film? well... there's a bridge... and Cycloptic newbie named Shockwave with his giant mechanized tapeworms that burrow into the earth and facilitate the transformation from not-robot to robot.

i think the Russians are involved somehow....but who cares? you're gonna go see it cause you're stupid, masochistic, and don't give a shit about anything beyond temporary removal of your psychological troubles. Truth is... i don't care either. I didn't even watch the fucking thing. I was going to, but after the first two i just don't have it in me anymore. This review is based solely on my impressions of the first two movies and the general consensus of those of you whose brains aren't calcified butt-smoke.

yeah yeah i know... "it ain't Shakes-Spear DURRHURRHURRHUR". you stupid fucking animals who drop that anti-observational chestnut every time something retarded is called out for being something retarded can fuck your reverse-souls into uterine scalding bonedust. these aren't stupid movies because they're based on a line of toy cars who turn into robo-samurais. they're stupid movies because they're stupid movies. with the right kind of writing, acting, directing, etc... even the most ridiculously vapid ideas can be turned into something that is at the very least watchable. Is it really too much too ask that these people, who are being given sums of money that probably didn't even exist 40-50 years ago to make something that other people will spend their hard earned dollars to view... y'know... decent? maybe not be such money-grubbing cynical assholes and actually work on making something that at least attempts to be greater than the sum of its parts? take a little pride in your work, perhaps?

no? fine. good. go fuck yourself.

i'm through. i don't need to see it. i know what it is. It's the same revolting gear-and-oil kaleidoscope of indecipherable FX, USA A-OKAY sanctimony, and toy ad cynicism as before. there's even an awful Linkin Park single to tie it all together. seriosuly... i fucking loathe this band. they're not even Nine Inch N'Sync anymore... just fucking N'Sync, but i digress.

please watch something good.

Friday, June 24, 2011

FxMxLx vol. 28

The Wild Wild World of MissAsssnatch

The shots are literally fired from the hip in this cavalcade of boundary-transgressing, provocative and X-rated video works by the mere 24 year old, renowned, American video and performance artist, MissAsssnatch, who here invites the audience on a wildly voyeuristic trip to the darkest nooks and crannies of a deviant woman's mind. MissAsssnatch doesn't tell any stories, but instead uses the film medium as point of entry to a mythological reality known from the YouTube generation. Through 16 beautiful, seductive and often shockingly perverse art films, we follow the young and beautiful MissAsssnatch at close range during bizarre auto-erotic or sadomasochistic rituals, LSD trips, near death experiences and demonic possessions. The ambiguity is palpable, and everything is left open, as though these were brief glimpses through the keyhole to a forbidden world. In MissAsssnatch's film, elements from silent films, pure cinema and the French new wave are mixed with Alfred Hitchcock, undisguised fetichism and pure rock 'n' roll. It is pure visual voodoo, created to seduce, shock, repel and excite.

'The Wild Wild World of MissAsssnatch' was made in collaboration with the Danish producer and curator, Alexander Natas. The film contains strong erotic scenes and is not for the faint-hearted!

YouTube ch.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

We are the Sprocket Holes vol. 191

every theater in America should replace their screenings of the Green Lantern with this;

Grand Guignol! It's the North American Trailer for Álex De La Iglesia's THE LAST CIRCUS

by Kurt Halfyard, June 16, 2011 2:38 PM

One of my favourite films on the festival circuit last year was Alex de la Iglesia's masterpiece, The Last Circus (aka Balada Triste) an allegory of Franco era Spain re-envisioned as an absurd killing joke by way of a grotesque opera. Of bread and circuses! Think Alejandro Jodorowsky with geek-ier sensibility (and a bit more of an understanding on how to get a performance from his actors) and a whopping sized budget. Destined not to find a wide audience, but instead be wholeheartedly embraced by a fervent cult following, The Last Circus is as 'Twitch-y' as films ever come. I love how this trailer plays out somewhere in the middle ground between Se7en and Life is Beautiful. Go Spain.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

We are the Sprocket Holes vol. 190 / Fuck YOUR Life vol. 17


by Todd Brown, June 6, 2011 11:40 AM

In the UK and awaiting your chance to see the sequel to Tom Six's cult hit The Human Centipede (First Sequence)? Well, unless the BBFC have a radical change of heart it aint going to happen. Not by legal means, anyway. Not ever. The British Board Of Film Classification have rejected the film outright, calling it "sexually violent and potentially obscene" in a way so pervasive that it cannot even be remedied by cuts. Though the filmmakers have six weeks to appeal, if the decision stands it means that the film cannot be sold legally within the UK. Here's the complete judgement, but be aware that it does contain spoilers:

"The first film dealt with a mad doctor who sews together three kidnapped people in order to produce the 'human centipede'of the title. Although the concept of the film was undoubtedly tasteless and disgusting it was a relatively traditional and conventional horror film and the Board concluded that it was not in breach of our Guidelines at '18'. This new work, The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence), tells the story of a man who becomes sexually obsessed with a DVD recording of the first film and who imagines putting the 'centipede' idea into practice. Unlike the first film, the sequel presents graphic images of sexual violence, forced defecation, and mutilation, and the viewer is invited to witness events from the perspective of the protagonist. Whereas in the first film the 'centipede' idea is presented as a revolting medical experiment, with the focus on whether the victims will be able to escape, this sequel presents the 'centipede' idea as the object of the protagonist's depraved sexual fantasy.

The principal focus of The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) is the sexual arousal of the central character at both the idea and the spectacle of the total degradation, humiliation, mutilation, torture, and murder of his naked victims. Examples of this include a scene early in the film in which he masturbates whilst he watches a DVD of the original Human Centipede film, with sandpaper wrapped around his penis, and a sequence later in the film in which he becomes aroused at the sight of the members of the 'centipede' being forced to defecate into one another's mouths, culminating in sight of the man wrapping barbed wire around his penis and raping the woman at the rear of the 'centipede'. There is little attempt to portray any of the victims in the film as anything other than objects to be brutalised, degraded and mutilated for the amusement and arousal of the central character, as well as for the pleasure of the audience. There is a strong focus throughout on the link between sexual arousal and sexual violence and a clear association between pain, perversity and sexual pleasure. It is the Board's conclusion that the explicit presentation of the central character's obsessive sexually violent fantasies is in breach of its Classification Guidelines and poses a real, as opposed to a fanciful, risk that harm is likely to be caused to potential viewers.

David Cooke, Director of the BBFC said: "It is the Board's carefully considered view that to issue a certificate to this work, even if confined to adults, would be inconsistent with the Board's Guidelines, would risk potential harm within the terms of the VRA, and would be unacceptable to the public.

"The Board also seeks to avoid classifying material that may be in breach of the Obscene Publications Acts 1959 and 1964 (OPA) or any other relevant legislation. The OPA prohibits the publication of works that have a tendency to deprave or corrupt a significant proportion of those likely to see them. In order to avoid classifying potentially obscene material, the Board engages in regular discussions with the relevant enforcement agencies, including the CPS, the police, and the Ministry of Justice. It is the Board's view that there is a genuine risk that this video work, The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence), may be considered obscene within the terms of the OPA, for the reasons given above."

now from A Serious Question about Censorship:

Should the ability to see a woman sexually humiliated - in this case surgically altered and anally raped by a man whose penis has been bound by barbed wire - in the name of entertainment be protected by law?

do i really have to explain this again?

seriously... how many times are we gonna have this tired-ass debate?

director Tom Six says this;

“Thank you BBFC for putting spoilers of my movie on your Web site and thank you for banning my film in this exceptional way,” director Tom Six said in a statement. “Apparently I made an horrific horror-film, but shouldn’t a good horror film be horrific? My dear people it is a fucking movie.

for you.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

NERRRRRRRRD!!! vol. 34

X-MEN: FIRST CLASS - 8.5 (hovering around 9)/10


question; where was this X-MEN movie 10 fucking years ago????

there was nothing in the trailers, promo materials, or television spots that even hinted at this being anything more than a glorified pilot for a sitcom. i've never taken more pleasure in eating my own words. its awesomness came out of nowhere, and it's nice to have been so very very wrong about where this franchise was headed. it's like ordering Dominos Pizza and getting a classic NY pie delivered to you by three beautiful women.

as commendable as Bryan Singer's X-Films were, Matthew Vaughn revealed their flaws through his own work; the main being Singer's unwillingness to embrace the more colorful aspects of the X-Men Mythos. that example was followed through the dreadful Last Stand and Origins: Wolverine, where the seemingly innumerable characters that popped up every five seconds were clad in non-descript denim 'n leather ensembles that, while taking things a bit more "seriously", ultimately had the effect of forgetfulness, as characters no longer stood out from one another. that isn't the case with First Class. here the classic blue and yellow suits are put to use, and yes, they look better than black leather onesies. Vaughn seems to also have some working knowledge of many different eras of the books, and moreso than any previous film makers in the franchise, brings them to life with taste, tact, and joy.

oh and mild SPOILERS; you will see hands down tail up the BEST Wolverine moment yet to be put to film. hopefully we'll see more of this Logan and less of the love-lorn romance novel cover boy in the future. and the final moment of the film is destined to become a classic of comic book cinema iconography. and thank fucking christ we were delivered from the awful fake Emma Frost of the Wolverine movie and given something closer to the beauty of the comic book counterpart. I don't think much of January Jones as an actress, but i kinda liked her aloof performance of Emma Frost. in many ways, it's better than if she overdid the vampiness or the iciness... cause you don't really know how she feels. I dig that she seems so bored with everyone around her... that she can even bother to be mad or intrigued by what's happening. does it have something to do with the fact that probably every mind she reads says "god damn i wanna make that pussy hurt"? probably... but i digress.

after careful deliberation, i've come to the conclusion that this is the perfect X-MEN film. It's smart, colorful, character driven, occasionally fap-worthy , peppered with relevant cameos, and makes you want more while feeling like a full meal. it also boasted a much stronger script that confronted the civil rights allegory of the series without being glowering and self-important about it.

and this is one of the best themes ever... so perfect. epic, mechanical, and makes the world seem inferior.

now don't fuck this up... again.

Fuck YOUR Life vol. 16

here is Neil Hamburger's article that was pulled from Vice Magazine. given the average Vice subscriber, you can understand why;


Hello from room 109 at the American Motel in beautiful Pixley, California. As “America’s Funnyman,” I’m very excited about the opportunity to earn cash writing this new column. My fans know that I am the hardest-working comedian on the circuit, doing nearly 400 shows last year alone. However, fans who have seen legal documents from the divorce and bankruptcy proceedings against me (sold on commemorative hamburger-shaped 2GB flash drives by an unscrupulous souvenir vendor in the parking lots of the venues that hosted my shows) know that my live performance income is garnished by my creditors. It is through side jobs—such as writing this column, stuffing envelopes, or washing cars—that I am able to stay somewhat afloat. I am thankful for this opportunity.

Alright then. Anyone in the field of law enforcement knows firsthand that the preferred deodorant of date-rapists is AXE. Their abrasive advertisements are targeted to the types of young men who rove in drunken packs looking for something—anything—to do with their penises. Judging from the noxious, prurient nature of their recent campaigns (a barrage of leering references to “cleaning balls” and “dirty gear”), AXE is completely tapped into the language and lifestyle of these dunced-out amateur pharmacists. This particular demographic blew out their nasal glands years ago, and thus is not instantly offended by the “extreme” scent of the chemical slurry that AXE cooks up in their hell-factory… a fetid, sugared-and-fermented-manure stench, which acts as a virtual mating call to the TV-addled, party-fried pig girls whom these dopes are trying to fill with their tainted seed.

AXE’s master chemist seems to be developing their various fragrances by dumping varying amounts of Hawaiian Punch and/or Country Time Lemonade into the trough-style urinals at Dodger Stadium during the top of the 9th inning—the end product an amalgam resulting from the capture and replication of the the resulting combination of odors. The product’s appeal would seem limited to the unintiated, yet, almost as a challenge, AXE’s cynical marketing team is set on expanding their market beyond the lucrative world of beat-driven dolts. These “pied pipers of shit” hope to convert innocents through flashy free entertainment, lending their name and money to dubious “viral” comedy videos—recruiting third-string (one step up from me) comedians to disgrace themselves in vaguely obscene short films.

AXE recklessly attaches their brand to movie premieres, snowboarding events, comedy tours, and musical concerts, trying to latch on to any pre-existing cache created by the artists themselves. (I use the term “artist” very loosely when referring to the clowns associated with the “AXE Concert Series;” most of these bands have long since lost their artificially created mini-buzz and are now better suited to a career disposing of postanalysis stool samples.)

It is a sad fact of modern society that the visual artist has been unfairly marginalized. In order to commemorate this medium, and in keeping with the spirit of good-natured fun and light-hearted ribbing that has characterized my relationship with our friends at AXE, I am curating and judging an Unofficial AXE-Themed Art Competition. We are asking artists to submit original artwork incorporating 1) AXE products, and 2) images of authentic sexual predators procured from the National Sex Offender Registry website. [Please do not include the names or locations of the sex offenders in your artwork.] Everything can be submitted electronically via links posted on Twitter and hashtagged “#FunArtContest.” The prize, if any, is a combination of personal satisfaction, and soap and washcloths, perhaps autographed by celebrities who are part of the anti-AXE movement. This contest is unofficial, unaffiliated with Unilever and/or AXE, and is not to be confused with existing authorized promotional campaigns for AXE deodorant. Complete details at


Read the rest at Vice Magazine: MY POINT OF VIEW - A DISTRESSING ODOR - Viceland Today